Feeling my pain is a painful feeling

The artwork is by Zlatko Vassic. He's a fan and contributor to art, artists, artwork.

I had a lot to do this morning so I hope I can remember my dream. Terry Braley is an ex-boyfriend. He tried to kill me with a gun; when it wouldn't fire he hit me over the head with it. Every once in a while the scar tissue from the blow gives me pain in my skull; last night was one of those times.

In my dream I was with Terry and we were at his parents house. Terry had used my credit card for purchasing something and upon finding out how much he charged I realized he caused me to overdraw. He just grinned, didn't care about the trouble it caused me, and told me he had no money. I knew he had gotten money from his dad. I asked his dad if he had given Terry money, explaining that Terry had overdrawn my credit card, and that I was paying for everything to support him and his daughter and that he shouldn't given Terry money, but rather would be more helpful if he'd given me the money. Terry's dad started defending Terry and saying mean things to me.

Upon waking, I thought of Terry's daughter and how she will never know, nor believe, what I went through, what her dad did, and how I felt about her. Her legacy is set in the attitudes of her "Pawpaw" and "MawMaw"...I wonder how she is and what she is doing and what she knows.

Serendipity

I can't remember the dream I had, but I remember having a dream....

Love this pic and the title serendipitously goes with yesterday's post. This photo was created by Tara Lemana, who is having her first ever public showing in New Zealand, titled "Awake and Dreaming".

Waking Dreams

When I was a kid I used to have dreams while awake. They weren't ordinary "day dreams"; they were involved and detailed and fantastic as if I was sleeping. I called them "dinks"...dream-thinks.

The picture here is of a bead made by my friend Jodie McDougall called Enchanted Dreams. It represents a lot of my daily wishes in life...waking dreams.

I dream of making beads, beautiful and expressive and unique, every day, every time I sit at the torch. I dream of knowing each type of glass intimately enough that I don't think about it and use it lovingly, knowingly, to its perfect extent.

I dream that all my beads are purchased and that I do not have an overabundance of inventory or glass. I dream of being able to travel the world to visit my bead friends and learn new techniques.

I dream that I can make jewelry with my beads and that I have all the supplies needed and organized and that I love every piece enough to let it go to someone else.

I dream that I have a website that takes care of itself.

I dream that I have a housekeeper and cook to take care of daily chores that I don't have time to do because I'm too busy being artful and dreaming.

I dream, I dream, I dream of many things. But when it comes to art and creativity, mostly I dream of freedom from logical thought, freedom from worldly bounds and criticism, I dream, I dream, I dream to be free.

Skulls

Something about skulls in a dream from which I awoke feeling dizzy and in an angry mood. Also something about having surgery. My foot was itching so badly it awakened me.

Koi Climbing Rocks

A storm is rising at the beach. I am the daughter of my ex boyfriend. He's going to launch the boat into the water. It's on the ramp, on the trailer, behind the corvette, but the corvette is nose first into the water. I ask, "Do you want me to drive the corvette out?" "Yes." It feels unsafe...like a set up...like he intends to destroy something and I'm going to be held responsible.

I get into the corvette and make a u-turn out of the water and up a ramp loading into the back of a moving van...it was also parked in the water, sideways, on the boat ramp. "How did I do?" I ask. There is no answer; he's abandoned me. I follow up the ramp and onto the beach.

My son Isaac is my brother. He's playing with friends on the rocks above me. I am looking for lost items washed ashore. I notice but only secondarily, beautiful fish peaking out of the rocks on the sides of my path. Then I look up, my ex/father is above going through found items. I look to the side and see my brother. I wonder how to get up there and notice the path and the koi, crawling between rocks, climbing to the top, they are so beautiful.

"Get the camera for me" I call to my father/ex. My brother/son races me for it and beats me there. I'm so angry. It's my camera, and I asked for it, but it is given to my brother instead. I scold my father/ex for being such a weak person who would not stand for what is right and instead spoil my brother and forsake me. I call him a coward and go to take my camera from my brother. It is out of film....

Doug is there (I have promised to marry him when we turn 80). I'm surprised. He says that he and Rachel are in the park. He warns me to stay sharp. I don't understand. He is talking about being aware of my father/ex, "Just stay sharp." It is like there is a plan Doug knows about that I do not. I think about Doug and do a little dance...it feels good enough to wake me from my dream.

I should call him today. He had surgery this week, too, and doesn't know about my ankle.

Tourists on Telephone

I'm a peace officer...everyone seems to be in my dream...on the watch for suspicious characters, vagrants, people making "deals" for drugs and sex, tourists on telephones. Yes, tourists on telephones...they can be found in booths, European style, sitting on tall wooden stools, backs leaning against bi-fold, glass fronted doors, smoking cigarettes and tapping the ashes into glass trays, like those from hotels, propped up on narrow wooden shelves, speaking foreign tongues...I know they are all innocent...just tourists missing home, sharing news on telephones.

Frog Song

My friend, Lynn, and I are at an adoption center for children. We seem to be employees/social workers there. There is a particular child that belongs with Lynn but I have to get her to connect the child with herself through a song. The child is supposed to sing the song...a 70's r & b...the child looks like a frog with pretty diamonds across the brow.