Monday, September 21, 2009

Wash me in the water

I awoke feeling like I needed to cry. There is someone who feels like they've re-entered my life. I had put space between them and I to get some perspective and protect me from the drama that is unceasingly in their life. I'm crazy over this person and when they come back into my life the craziness begins all over again. I just don't get why I feel about them the way I do. If I perceive they are disappointed or annoyed in any way I feel so crushed. Is it hormones? Am I crazy? I don't know. No one is reading this anyway, so no one could understand.

I'm shopping for a new, wait, I am not shopping for a new house but a mother figure is shopping for a new house. She's taken me and my sisters out of school for lunch. We're supposed to go back but I don't think that she will return us to school; it is not in her "plan".

I am feeling lost as I wait for her to return. I am abandoned. I am at the beach and I find security in the water. I have a feeling that speaks to me; it says "Fuck them. They don't know. I don't care. It won't hurt me." But I do care. And it does hurt. And I get into the surf.

It is rough and takes great physical effort to maintain equilibrium between the water and sky. It is hazy and I can not see a grounding point in front of or behind me. I am slightly confused and slightly scared but I am feeling strong enough to make it back to shore.

Back on shore, I am wearing yellow. My arms are bare. A girl compliments the strength in my body and says I should flex my arm. As I do so, I watch a very tan, very muscular arm bulge like a balloon, but slowly, and gracefully, and full of strength, and as the skin expands a pattern appears on the skin. It is a triangular design within a circular shape. The triangle is made of bricks and each brick has a symbol on it. It looks ancient, and the overall shapes, turns, curves and points look like Maori tattoo, and the color looks like henna, and the message looks like hieroglyphics.

And I am stunned, both dreaming and waking, by the importance of this occurrence, and that no one can see it but me. I want to know what it means. I want to understand its message and be prepared and safe and strong and useful.

There were more interesting parts in the dream that had to do with high school friends and lawyers and looking for a job. But the above posted part, especially the symbol on my arm, seems most mysterious, significant, and psychic.

And as I lie there remembering to remember the dream I am thinking about him. I am wondering what he is doing, does he know how much I love him, and how important it is to me for him to be happy and proud of me. And I want to cry because this is all making me feel crazy, because it is all on me. It is, must be, my imagination.

Does he get annoyed with me because he's really annoyed with himself? Does he love me the way I love him and he gets frustrated with that because he doesn't want it? Is he acting out? Am I imagining it? Am I imagining his staring eyes, dark smile, loud vibrations, or is it real?

Regardless, I am strong, I can flex, there is a message written under my skin that is ancient and important.


  1. What an exhausting dream, Mona. Sounds like your subconscious is screaming at you to listen. Remember, as you find yourself in the current situation w/ this man re-entering your life, that you ARE strong & his happiness is not your job. YOUR happiness & comfort & well-being is up to you to maintain... to keep safe. Be strong, know that you are well loved by many many others.

  2. That last sentence is so beautiful and certainly worth remembering! Thank you! I'm gonna flex my muscles and decipher that coded tattoo!